If living with your teenager seems like a daily battle, you may be asking yourself: Why is my teen so demanding? Parenting a 'difficult' teen can be a constant rollercoaster of emotions that can leave you frustrated and exhausted as you try to navigate their intense, and sometimes shockingly entitled, moods. Believe it or not, with the right guidance, their traits can actually become strengths - although guiding them to that point may require some professional help. It's a complex situation, and to make things even more complicated, the way you're dealing with it might be making it worse.
Need some advice? Ursula Perona, a clinical psychologist specialising in childhood and adolescence, and an expert in how to support demanding teens, advises starting from one basic point: don't look at your teen's difficult personality as a problem, but as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship.
Signs of a demanding teenager
As is the case with demanding children, it's the persistence and intensity of certain traits - and the disproportionate impact they have on daily life for them and those around them - that sets this type of teen apart. Perona explains: "They don't just experience the normal level of intensity related to this stage of adolescence; for them, it's amplified… These are young people who feel a lot, think a lot, and react a lot." Do you think you may have a demanding teen? These are the signs to look out for:
- High emotional sensitivity: They experience emotions, both positive and negative, very intensely.
- Above average need for attention and affection: They have a strong desire for validation and closeness.
- Perfectionism and self-demanding nature: They set extremely high standards for themselves.
- Intensity in relationships: Their connections with others - friends, boyfriends and girlfriends - can be passionate and sometimes tumultuous.
- A mix of autonomy and dependence: They strongly desire independence but may also show a deep emotional need for others.
© Getty ImagesWhile those traits may seem to fit any teenager, it's important to assess the persistence of these characteristics and if they go beyond what one might normally expect. "Of course, teenagers have emotional ups and downs, but this particular type of teen lives on an almost constant rollercoaster of emotions," says the psychologist. "Everything is experienced in an exaggerated way: joy, frustration, love, rejection... and this requires a different level of awareness from those around them."
Do all demanding teenagers start out as demanding children?
"In most cases, yes," says the expert. "Demanding teenagers were previously intense, pushy, very active or highly sensitive children. Sometimes these characteristics become even more pronounced when they reach the teen years. That could be because their environment no longer shelters them in the same way, or sometimes it's because the changes that take place during adolescence trigger parts of their personalities that previously went more unnoticed.
"The teen years are a time when your personality really comes out, and when it does, there are certain traits that may have been more dormant or more easily managed in the past. So there are teenagers who 'debut' as demanding at this stage, although the seeds were probably already there."
© Getty ImagesWhat are the most common challenges that these teenagers face?
"Daily life itself can be quite a challenge. Their emotional intensity means that any setback - from getting a stain on their favourite T-shirt to feeling insulted by an off the cuff remark - can turn into a full-blown storm. They struggle to manage their frustrations; they won't accept any rules that they don't like, and they often need a lot of emotional validation. This can really exhaust their family.
'As a parent, work on your own emotional regulation... You can help your teen by giving them a space where they are listened to without judgement and they can feel that, even if you don't fully understand them, you're still there for them'
"When it comes to school, these teens can be very bright, but also very tough on themselves, which leads to stress and anxiety. But other types might disconnect from their studies entirely because they don't find meaning in what they're being told to do. In both cases, time management, routines and organisation are going to be touchy issues. And at home, parents find constant negotiation with them is a daily occurrence."
What can parents and families do to help this type of teen?
"The first thing is to understand that these adolescents are not being 'difficult' on purpose. There's a biological or emotional basis that causes them to experience the world with more intensity than others.
"Educating yourself as a parent - doing research, asking for help, going to family counselling if necessary - is not a sign of failure, it's a sign of love. If you want to have a good relationship with your child, you have to work at it."
Do demanding teens have more problems socially because of how 'intense' they are?
"Yes. And it's something that often causes them a lot of suffering. They may clash with their peers - especially if they expect to receive the same level of connection, dedication or commitment from them. A demanding teen might be unintentionally possessive, or they'll demand a level of attention that others are not willing or able to give. This can lead to conflicts, breakups and feelings of rejection.
"It's also common for them to frequently change friend groups, or have friendships that swing wildly from idealisation to disappointment. There may also be moments where they're emotionally dependent. It's important to support them, helping them to understand how they can relate to others and giving them tools to manage their emotions."
© Getty ImagesDoes being demanding and highly sensitive go hand in hand?
"Very much so. Although they don't always occur together, it's very common for a demanding teenager to also be highly sensitive. They process information more deeply, are easily overwhelmed and pick up on emotional nuances that go unnoticed by others. That’s why they tend to experience everything with more intensity than other teens.
"Being highly sensitive is not a disorder, though; it’s a personality trait. When it's understood and supported appropriately, it can be a huge strength. But if it's not recognised, it can lead to misunderstandings, isolation or low self-worth."
How might being an intense, demanding teenager influence their future lives as adults?
"It depends a lot on how they've been supported when they were younger. If they've had adults who have validated them, have known how to set boundaries with love and understand their personality without trying to 'change' them, it’s very likely that they'll grow up to be deeply empathetic, creative, thoughtful, dedicated adults.
"If they've grown up in an environment where they've had their feelings invalidated, or where they have been labelled as 'too much' or 'problematic', they may suffer deep insecurities, self-doubt or unhealthy patterns in relationships."
© Getty ImagesWhat are the signs you should seek psychological help for your teen?
"Seek professional help when you can see their distress is significantly interfering with their daily life: their studies, their mood, their relationships or their self-esteem. Or if you notice increased anxiety or signs of depression, or if they begin to self-harm or socially isolate themselves. But you don't have to wait until things get to that point. Sometimes a teenager needs a neutral space where they can feel heard without judgment, and a psychologist can be a great resource.
"And it's the same when it comes to the parents. Asking for help as a parent is a way of taking care of yourself, of working through all the emotions that our children's adolescence triggers; it gives us the opportunity to work on ourselves. Our children are mirrors that give us a lot of information about ourselves and how we can work to better ourselves, too."
About the expert
Ursula Perona is a clinical psychologist specialising in childhood and adolescence, and author of the Spanish-language book, Guide to an Extraordinary Adolescence (Guía Para una Adolescencia Extraordinaria) in which she explains how to support your demanding teen.
